"I
like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big." Self-Mastery
is the ability to make the most out of your physical, mental, and spiritual
health. To be the best you can be... At anything. Everything "Once
you reach this level, you put your life onto an upward spiral of self-esteem,
self-discipline, and persistence until you eventually become......like a force
of nature." We've
been conditioned to think small, simplify, not to be greedy, and to overall
expect less and demand less from life. We’ve been taught that we should be
happy and thankful with what we have and that there are many others less
fortunate than ourselves.
I
read somewhere that, as an experiment, someone put two adverts in a newspaper.
They were for the same job, doing the same work with the same hours, but one of
them offered to pay a salary many times the other. Guess what? About ten times
more people applied for the lower paid job! People think small. And that's one
of the reasons they fail. Most people are afraid of thinking big, they're scared to
be successful, scared to be rich. For most people, being rich is a pleasant
dream, but they're comfortable with the dream - it's nice and it makes them
feel good. But truly successful and wealthy people take it to the next level -
they are committed to being rich, to being successful, and they're prepared to
keep on keeping on until the dream becomes reality. You can have anything you want - ask for it, choose it, be
committed to it. Start thinking big. Ask for MORE. Life is like that - by its
very nature it grows, it evolves, it seeks to be more than it is, it acquires.
That's not a bad thing. The bad thing is that we've been taught to be small and
to accept less. The tragedy of many people's lives is that they think there's
not enough to go round and they mustn't take more than their fair share. But
there is enough - enough money and enough success and enough of everything -
the universe never runs out, it just keeps on making more and more. What a pity
we don't ask for it! The more you get, the more you can inspire others, you
more you can share, the more you can contribute to everyone around you, the
more you can enrich the world. There is a quote I love, often misattributed to Nelson
Mandela but actually from A Course in Miracles, which summarizes all of this "Our
worst fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens
us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and
fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your
playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about
shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to
make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is
in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others." What
a wonderful quotation! You can do and be anything you want. There are no
limits. That's the power of thinking big
Possibly, I'm not
totally sure how it would be best to divvy up, and even if I want to. I do
somewhat understand the pain and suffering of addiction
is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a
tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and
frustration are common. Everyday feelings for family members, concerned about a
loved one’s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured
the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the
stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the
addicted person’s lifestyle.
Loving a drug
addict or an alcoholic can be one of the most frightening and upsetting
experiences people can go through. The goal, however, is to help the addict and
not sustain his way of life. The only thing that will help an addict is getting
off the drugs. It sounds much simpler than it is and most families must go through
a lot of pain to get to that point. It is well worth it though, to see the
return of the one you love and not their drug addicted persona. It also may
very well be saving a life, either the addicts, or quite possibly your own.
Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the
family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful
into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.
Love between people
has nothing to do with the money that you spend, the value of the home you live
in, or your position in society. Nor is the value of a person in any way
dependent upon his or her ability to perform. When giving an addict help it is
important to value them as a person regardless of their current behavior.
Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic
or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind. If directed toward
effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful
influences in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional
help.
There is no doubt
that love has become the most used and abused word in our language. Advertising
plays upon erotic and parental love – desire and fulfillment of needs.
Subliminal messages say – if you love them, then you will buy them this product
or that, depending on the season. It is important when trying to give an addict
help to remember that money can’t buy love.
Unconditional love
is based upon emotional maturity. A person needs to be able to contain and be
responsible for their own emotions and feelings. In families some members are
too dependent upon others and the others want a life of their own. Parents may
enforce compliance. The result can often be a token obedience, but it is done
without feeling or respect. Sometimes it is called “duty”, and lead to drug
addiction as a means of escape.
Parents need to be
able to tolerate the challenge that raising children brings. Children are not
“yours” as if they are property. Every child is different and that must be
respected.
Unconditional love
means loving the other person as they are, not as you want them to be. When
differences of opinion and life choices occur, and when you want to give addict
help, simply ask yourself when dealing with issues: is this about them, or
about me?
At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful
consequences of there loved one’s disease and cease their enabling
behavior. There are some ways for family members to help there loved one
and themselves:
Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug
addiction.
Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA, and Alanon meetings.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial. Only when we
understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to
respond to its symptoms more effectively. “Realizing that addiction is a
progressive disease” will assist the family members to accept there loved one as
a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This comprehension goes a long way
toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to
blame. The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family
shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families
need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that
there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle.
Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories
of recovery shared at these meetings.
Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them
experience the full consequence of their disease
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery.
Recovering people experience a “hitting bottom.” This implies an accumulation
of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the
necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It
has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight
and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences
only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is
realized.
Don’t support the addiction by financially
supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction. Financial support can be
provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of
consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying
rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the
continuation of alcohol or drug use.
This is not a
simple question and therefore, is not a simple answer. Support in the way of
unconditional love and help to get off of the drugs is highly encouraged for
loved ones of a drug addict. However, financial support and becoming
co-dependant is not a good way to help yourself, or your loved one.
It can be very
difficult NOT to financially support the drug addict, even though you disagree
with what he or she is doing. Loving someone usually means that you take care
of them. For a drug addict, however, taking care of them takes on a whole new
meaning. Tough love is a very real thing and in the end, it is best for
everyone involved. Reminding the drug addict that you love them and are there
whenever they need to get help is a great way of supporting them. Drug addicts
often forget that they are loved because all they think about is their own
love…for their drug. Whether you choose to financially support a drug addict,
chances are, they will obtain money from you one way or another. Theft from
family members is quite common for someone addicted to drugs.
Actually supporting
their habit is probably the worse thing you can do. As hard as it is, you must
make it very clear that you will have no part in supporting their drug habit.
It will undoubtedly lead to many arguments, but you are not alone. This is
something that is faced by the loved ones of drug addicts around the world.
Stick to your guns and refuse to support their habit. You should also be
encouraging and positive by letting the addict know that they could quit and
that you would support them 100% in that decision.
For adults the main
social criteria are your income, location of residence and your occupation. It
is natural for parents, in wanting the best for their children, to encourage
and support them into areas which society tends to value more highly. There is
of course some reflected glory from a child who has done “well”. Some children
seek refuge in addiction because they feel that in some way they have “failed”.
Integrity of the
family unit and bonds of love and caring are not always there for some
children. However, poverty and lack of family support is not a determinant of
whether a child will be loved. Self respect and respect for the other is at the
core of love.
When relationships
are built upon mutual respect, different viewpoints can be taken and different
choices made without people becoming distressed that the other is not
“supporting” them, and giving them what they need. To give addicts help they
have to know that you care, but that you won’t jump down their throat for
expressing their own opinions.
For a loving
relationship to be truly unconditional, needs both parties to be free and
independent individuals. When one party is or has become overly dependent upon
another to fill their needs, compliance can result in unhealthy “bondage”, and
people can easily become bitter or resentful when another person does not do
what is expected of them.
Unconditional love
needs to be free of demand and command for the other to merely be your “puppet”
– words of praise and love only uttered in return for strict compliance.
Unconditional love also means that people are not used or rejected on the basis
of whether or not they give you pleasure and satisfaction.
Money is almost always given by family members with the best of
intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the
natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply
because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they
experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.
Our Professional
counselors have the expertise to help a loved one to start on his or her road
of rehabilitation – It is a great idea to contact them for advices
Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or
drug use. Don’t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of
time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the
family or others. This “paralysis by analysis” is a common manipulation
by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue
of the illness itself.
Don’t make idle threats. Say what mean and
mean what you say.
Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict. Rather “actions speak
louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the
promises made by the addicted person. Don’t extract promises A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they
don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon
their commitments. Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only
serves to increase the anger toward the loved one. Don’t preach or lecture Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or
intimidation. If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting
sober, many more people would get sober. Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger
These emotions create a
painful roller coaster for the loved one. For a given amount of anger
that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of
pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides.
This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members—they get angry
over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack
from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity. The
family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable. Don’t accommodate the disease Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family’s home,
lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As
the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly
accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and
other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict
might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict
or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic or
addict. Do focus upon your life and responsibilities
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due
to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other
family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat
to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction.
Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of
one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned. Each of these
suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one
can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while
the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need
for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling
agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information.
They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and
behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these
changes is Al-Anon. By facing their fears and weathering the emotional
storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling
entanglements. The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family’s effort to say
“no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited
in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual.” There will
always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not
enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking
love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family
to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the
alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really
about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction
is experienced by the addict – rather than by the family- can there be reason
for hope of recovery.
