To the WOMEN who lives with an Alcoholic.

Do you think Alcoholism and marriage go together?
You'd think the opposite would be true, that alcoholism and divorce go together.
You'd think with alcoholism being the marriage crippler that it is, that all alcoholics would be divorced, with no access to their children. Yes, there are some of those.
However, a survey says 19% of all alcoholics in India are married!. Now sit for a moment and think about it. Why would that be?
It's quite simple really the answer lies in the make-up of the alcoholic. Alcoholics are sensitive needy people, who can't stand loneliness and heartache. I know you are going: "You can't be taking about my alcoholic now, he is exactly the opposite!" 
Yes, it might seem that way, but alcoholics are great actors and master manipulators too. Truth be told, alcoholics prefer to be married!"

Let's look at the women who marry alcoholics. Typically, an alcoholic's wife is a nurturing, caring, loving person, and in most cases, her own family feels that he is undeserving of such a good wife and woman. Be honest with yourself now. Friends and relatives cannot fathom why she "put up with your stuff" and why she "don't kick the bum out". She is loyal and defends your actions, make excuses for your behavior, and call your boss to say he is sick (when actually you are passed out drunk on your living room floor). She does all those things because she loves you and she want to protect you. Most of all, if you lose your job, who is going to take care of her and the children then?
Does it start to make sense now? My statement - "Alcoholism and Marriage go together"? I think you can see where I'm going with this. Alcoholics stay married because they have "good" wives. They are still married to you (alcoholic) because they love you and they believe that "this time it will be better". They believe him when he says he "will definitely stop this time" or "swear I will never hit you again".
I'm not going to tell them that they are wrong (or right for that matter) to believe him. I'm not going to judge them or tell them to divorce him. I'm not going to tell them to stay married to him either. I'm only going to try to give them some advice to help them on their journey through life with an alcoholic spouse.
You see, I was an Alcoholic married to a village girl who lived in the home even there is no smell of Alcohol. After our marriage she lived that life. She experienced it what I told earlier.
After I came to recovery through AA, I realized what I was and when I started re-invent myself I came to know that the mental status of an women lives with an Alcoholic, then I started to drill deep in to my past, I walked in her shoes then I came to know what I am and what I suppose to be. Now I’m me & what I suppose to be.
I'm not a therapist, nor a doctor, or a counselor even. I'm just a normal (well, sort of) man who had deal with alcoholism and marriage every day. 

So your (wives of Alcoholics) next question is why?
Why am I taking the time to build this site and tell you about my life and try to help you with yours?
Well first of all I know that you are tired of hearing that it just can't work. I know that you WANT to stay married, even though there is this little problem called Alcoholism in your marriage. For you, divorce is not an option, and you just have to make this work somehow. Actually, you will be grateful just to have some advice on HOW to deal with all this alcoholism stuff.
This is for you, the woman who never made it to the Al-anon meeting, or a therapist, or your local priest/pastor. Maybe you've been, but you've found no relief. Maybe you are too embarrassed to admit that your husband did recover a bit, but is now up to his old tricks again. Maybe you are too embarrassed to even discuss this with your mother or best friend. Maybe you are just not sure whether he is an alcoholic at all. Or maybe... Maybe you just can't face the fact that it might actually be the case.
You are not alone. I understand your need for anonymity. It is for you that I created this website (http://aashakirana.blogspot.in/) & FB Group (ಆಶಾಕಿರಣ, A Ray of “HOPE” to Recovery)
I want you to be able to get all the information you need about your husband's alcoholism. I want you to get your marriage boat in calm seas again. I want you to be able to do this without the fear of him or someone else "discovering" what you have been up to. 

I want you to be able to learn from my own and other's mistakes. I want you to learn how to heal yourself, to live a whole and sane life again. I want to give you advice on how to tackle the practical day-to-day issues, that might seem like nothing to others, but are challenges in themselves, just because you are living with this crazy disease. I want you to be able to deal with you children and your family, in a normal way again. I want you to be able to laugh, relax, have fun and enjoy life again.
I KNOW it seems impossible now, but so many people managed to become whole again. They are happier and more relaxed now. Unfortunately, but I survived. Whether you want to stay or not, is irrelevant. It is not about that. It is about you and feeling sane again.  My life is not perfect, But I'm better, and I want you to feel better too.
Please bookmark this site, so that you can continue the full journey to your recovery. If you don't take care of you first, if you don't get well, if you don't become whole again, your husband won't either. I'm not saying that healing yourself will cure his disease, but it will make it easier for you to live with. As you begin to change, he will be thrown out of his comfort zone and that is GOOD. He will either have to adapt, change and get well, or get out.
Now don't let those last two words scare you. It is very unlikely to happen. It is very difficult to lose an alcoholic. He needs YOU. You might think it is the other way around now, but you will learn that it is not. 
I wish for you to come back here as often as you can, to start rebuilding your life and get your sanity back.
I wish you all the best on your journey to health, your journey to save your marriage, and journey to learning how to live with Alcoholism and marriage.

Reinvent Yourself and Experience True Recovery

From an outsiders perspective, quitting drinking seems like a process of elimination. It’s not.
The struggling alcoholic is trying to attain a meaningful life in recovery. Successfully attaining that goal has very little to do with the idea of not drinking. Instead, it is a creative process.
Intuitively, the struggling alcoholic knows that this must be the case–because they have tried and failed over and over again to quit drinking. Simply not drinking has never been enough.

The need for a replacement
What do I mean by “creative process?” This is the whole secret to a life in recovery: the addict finds new meaning in their life through the cultivation of positive action. It’s not about simply abstaining from chemicals, as that will create a miserable and resentful addict who secretly wishes to get high. It’s only a matter of time before someone who is simply abstaining returns to their drug of choice in an effort to self-medicate.
I had to create an entirely new situation in my life in order to overcome addiction. Think about it: my entire life revolved around alcohol. Either I was getting high on drinking, or I was working so that I could get the money to do so. This became my routine; my whole meaning for existence. My only thoughts were to use alcohol and find the ways and means to get more. My ultimate fantasy was to have an unlimited supply of the stuff.
So think about it: take an addict who is deeply obsessed with getting and using drugs and alcohol, and simply remove those chemicals one day. What are you going to be left with? A shell of a person is one way to say it. I didn’t just make a habit of using drugs and alcohol; I made a lifestyle out of it. And furthermore, I glamorized the thought of being stoned out of my mind–it became a religion of sorts, a (false) spiritual state of being that I was trying to attain. Getting high was my religion, and I worshiped the drugs and the booze. I idolized them. I glamorized them. I lived for them.
For me, the lifestyle that went along with getting drunk and high every day involved 3 major components:
1) The job I worked at that could tolerate me in that state of mind
2) The group of friends and/or girlfriend that I drank with
3) My living situation – the industrial complex with roommates and/or neighbors that I also drank with
So when I stopped boozing alcohol, 3 things happened:
1) I stopped worshiping Alcohol.
2) I stopped associating with all of my old drinking buddies.
3) I got out of an unhealthy living situation.
Those are all elimination steps. I got rid of stuff. Note the following 2 things: First of all, this stuff was necessary for me, but addiction is complicated, so other people’s solution might be different.
For example, there are a number of recovering addicts and alcoholics who did not have to change their living situation at all when they got clean and sober. For them, it wasn’t necessary. In my situation, it happened to be an important step.
Second, note that doing the 3 things above did not insure my success in recovery. There are plenty of people who go to extreme measures and enter long term treatment centers and unfortunately still relapse. Also, I still stand by my opinion that long term treatment still affords the best chances for achieving long term sobriety (but it is by no means a magic bullet).
I had to get rid of a lot of stuff when I quit drinking. I quit using booze, moved out of home, left a large circle of unhealthy friends, and left a job that accommodated my drinking. That’s a lot of stuff to let go of all at once.
Simple elimination is not enough. There’s nothing to fill the void, nothing left to engage a person in their daily life. Think about all the hours each day spent obsessing over Alcohol. Consider the hours spent drinking with friends and drinking buddies. Think of the time spent actually getting drunk and high.
When you free up all of that time, what are you left with? What are you going to do?
When you stop worshiping alcohol, what are you going to focus on in the future?
When you walk away from your drinking buddies, who are you going to associate with?
You need a replacement strategy

Most people who first try to quit drinking or using drugs are essentially using behavior modification.
Behavior modification is not effective as a means to recovery. Why not? Because it’s not a replacement (creation) strategy. I believe it can only lead to short term sobriety. In the long run, behavior modification falls short because it generally only seeks to eliminate negative behaviors:
-Not going to the bar
-Not going to your old drug dealer
-Avoiding negative influences
and so on.
This is not reinventing yourself. It is not creation. You’re just tearing down your old habits. What are you putting up in their place? What are you building for your new life? If you simply eliminate the old stuff, relapse is inevitable. It’s just a matter of time. You need a creation strategy.
12 step meetings, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, are one example of a creation strategy: you stop drinking and go to an AA meeting. Then you continue attending meetings, and the fellowship that helped you get sober starts to depend on you to help and guide the newcomers. This is creation, in your own life. It can fill you up, if you allow it to. Reaching out to the newcomer, working with others, showing up and sharing honestly in daily meetings–these are creative actions. They require initiative and positive action on the part of the recovering addict. They are not acts of elimination. This is recovery in action.
Take an Inventory of Self

It is critical in the healing process that you define your own losses to yourself; know what it is about ‘the experience’ that you are grieving. This new found awareness is private, and does not need to be shared with anyone, unless you want to share – be fearless!
It is advisable to seek professional help if you are having trouble grieving your loss, moving through the different stages of grief, or if you or your loved ones have concerns about the intensity of your feelings of loss or how long you have been grieving.
An important process in grieving and preparing to rebuild your life is working through guilt and regret. Quite often it is not actually grief that prevents you from undertaking the task of rebuilding your life, but unresolved feelings of guilt and regret. It is very important to seek professional help if you are unable to work through these feelings on your own.
In summary, successful rebuilding is directly tied to the grieving process. Grieving is a healthy first step, it has a cleansing effect, and it indicates your emotional preparedness to begin the task of rebuilding. A very important piece to attaining harmony after a loss is re-integrating and including your loss in your self identity.
At anytime–either during the grieving process or when rebuilding–you may need to seek professional help in order to explore the importance of your stage of life, work through guilt and regret, or as a source of support.
Group therapy is often useful in overcoming the emotional pain of any kind of loss. For many, however, individual therapy is the best means of receiving optimal help.

The Road to Recovery

“Love and tolerance of others is our code.” –Big Book

That quote from the chapter Into Action of the Big Book really says it all when it comes to personality clashes in recovery. There is one other little snip it that gives us some insight into what to do when we have personality clashes in recovery and that is the 12^th tradition which states that “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all of our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”
I am fully aware that everyone who is sober is not a member of a 12 step fellowship and if they are it might not be the AA fellowship so I am going to try and talk about personality clashes within recovery from a fairly neutral and helpful standpoint. The reason I mentioned the AA snip its though is because they are really great jumping off places for figuring out how to handle personality clashes because they are inevitable unless you are spiritually perfect. In which case, you might still run into this problem. It is almost impossible not to. The point is how you handle it though.
How to Deal with Personality Clashes in Recovery

Personality clashes don’t only happen in recovery. Personality clashes as we all probably know can happen absolutely anywhere. So how do you deal with them? Well, luckily if you are in recovery you are probably in a better spot to know the “how” of it than most people. In recovery we get the benefit of being a little less selfish and hopefully have seen a slow decrease of our own egos.
And that’s exactly what I believe personality clashes in recovery to be:
They aren’t personality clashes; they are two egos trying to one up each other. Personality clashes are all about pride and the idea that we are separate from, different than, better than or less than someone. Personality clashes are usually fueled by fear too. Fear of what the other person thinks, what I think about myself, and what everyone else will think of me. When I realize these things I suddenly become well equipped not with dealing with personality clash so much as my own stuff that causes another person’s personality to rub me wrong the way.
Let me say this quickly also: Personalities are not the definition of a person. Personalities can change on a minute, daily, weekly or yearly basis depending on an individual’s mood etc. Every moment of every day we are internally changing and as that happens our personalities change too. So, clashing with someone based on the trivial and surface area stuff that can change seems silly. And that’s how we deal with personality clashes in recovery.
We never focus on the personality but the fundamental truth that we all know we are made up of the same stuff whatever that you decide to call that “stuff”. We focus on the moral code, the principles inside of us all, the spiritual laws if you will. We focus on patience, love, tolerance, humility, integrity, and spirituality.
That’s all my opinion though. If you are having a real personality clash with someone in recovery realize that you don’t have to be around that person or be best friend with them either. The point is, with someone who you really can’t get along with, to not be harmful. If you find you are really clashing with this person and can’t be helpful then just don’t cause harm. Avoid them if you have to. Sometimes this is the best option. If you want to really deal with personality clashes another practical way of doing so is to try and put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try to see why they are the way they are. Be empathetic.
Whatever the case may be when it comes to personality clashes in recovery don’t cause harm by getting angry or being negative. Stay positive, stay helpful, and remember who you want to be as a person instead of focusing on what you don’t like about who they are.
If your loved one is in need of Addiction treatment please give us a call at +919738879853