Think Think Think big

Think Think Think big

"I like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything,
you might as well think big."
Self-Mastery is the ability to make the most out of your physical, mental, and spiritual health. To be the best you can be... At anything. Everything
"Once you reach this level, you put your life onto an upward spiral of self-esteem, self-discipline, and persistence until you eventually become......like a force of nature."

We've been conditioned to think small, simplify, not to be greedy, and to overall expect less and demand less from life. We’ve been taught that we should be happy and thankful with what we have and that there are many others less fortunate than ourselves.

video curtsy: Balakrishna Adinurthy. Director at CARE.  

I read somewhere that, as an experiment, someone put two adverts in a newspaper. They were for the same job, doing the same work with the same hours, but one of them offered to pay a salary many times the other. Guess what? About ten times more people applied for the lower paid job! People think small. And that's one of the reasons they fail.
Most people are afraid of thinking big, they're scared to be successful, scared to be rich. For most people, being rich is a pleasant dream, but they're comfortable with the dream - it's nice and it makes them feel good. But truly successful and wealthy people take it to the next level - they are committed to being rich, to being successful, and they're prepared to keep on keeping on until the dream becomes reality.
You can have anything you want - ask for it, choose it, be committed to it. Start thinking big. Ask for MORE. Life is like that - by its very nature it grows, it evolves, it seeks to be more than it is, it acquires. That's not a bad thing. The bad thing is that we've been taught to be small and to accept less. The tragedy of many people's lives is that they think there's not enough to go round and they mustn't take more than their fair share. But there is enough - enough money and enough success and enough of everything - the universe never runs out, it just keeps on making more and more. What a pity we don't ask for it! The more you get, the more you can inspire others, you more you can share, the more you can contribute to everyone around you, the more you can enrich the world.
There is a quote I love, often misattributed to Nelson Mandela but actually from A Course in Miracles, which summarizes all of this

"Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God; your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
What a wonderful quotation! You can do and be anything you want. There are no limits. That's the power of thinking big

How can Family Members help their Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem?

Video courtesy youtube

Possibly, I'm not totally sure how it would be best to divvy up, and even if I want to. I do somewhat understand the pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well.  Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common. Everyday feelings for family members, concerned about a loved one’s drinking or drug use.  In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person’s lifestyle.

Loving a drug addict or an alcoholic can be one of the most frightening and upsetting experiences people can go through. The goal, however, is to help the addict and not sustain his way of life. The only thing that will help an addict is getting off the drugs. It sounds much simpler than it is and most families must go through a lot of pain to get to that point. It is well worth it though, to see the return of the one you love and not their drug addicted persona. It also may very well be saving a life, either the addicts, or quite possibly your own.

Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family.  The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.

Love between people has nothing to do with the money that you spend, the value of the home you live in, or your position in society. Nor is the value of a person in any way dependent upon his or her ability to perform. When giving an addict help it is important to value them as a person regardless of their current behavior.

Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind.  If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional help. 

There is no doubt that love has become the most used and abused word in our language. Advertising plays upon erotic and parental love – desire and fulfillment of needs. Subliminal messages say – if you love them, then you will buy them this product or that, depending on the season. It is important when trying to give an addict help to remember that money can’t buy love.

Unconditional love is based upon emotional maturity. A person needs to be able to contain and be responsible for their own emotions and feelings. In families some members are too dependent upon others and the others want a life of their own. Parents may enforce compliance. The result can often be a token obedience, but it is done without feeling or respect. Sometimes it is called “duty”, and lead to drug addiction as a means of escape.

Parents need to be able to tolerate the challenge that raising children brings. Children are not “yours” as if they are property. Every child is different and that must be respected.

Unconditional love means loving the other person as they are, not as you want them to be. When differences of opinion and life choices occur, and when you want to give addict help, simply ask yourself when dealing with issues: is this about them, or about me?

At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one’s disease and cease their enabling behavior.  There are some ways for family members to help there loved one and themselves:

Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction.

Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA, and Alanon meetings.  Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial.  Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively.  “Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease” will assist the family members to accept there loved one as a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt.  No one is to blame.  The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming.  Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle.  Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.

Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease

Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery. Recovering people experience a “hitting bottom.” This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort.  It has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

Don’t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.

Money is the lifeblood of addiction.  Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use.

This is not a simple question and therefore, is not a simple answer. Support in the way of unconditional love and help to get off of the drugs is highly encouraged for loved ones of a drug addict. However, financial support and becoming co-dependant is not a good way to help yourself, or your loved one.

It can be very difficult NOT to financially support the drug addict, even though you disagree with what he or she is doing. Loving someone usually means that you take care of them. For a drug addict, however, taking care of them takes on a whole new meaning. Tough love is a very real thing and in the end, it is best for everyone involved. Reminding the drug addict that you love them and are there whenever they need to get help is a great way of supporting them. Drug addicts often forget that they are loved because all they think about is their own love…for their drug. Whether you choose to financially support a drug addict, chances are, they will obtain money from you one way or another. Theft from family members is quite common for someone addicted to drugs.

Actually supporting their habit is probably the worse thing you can do. As hard as it is, you must make it very clear that you will have no part in supporting their drug habit. It will undoubtedly lead to many arguments, but you are not alone. This is something that is faced by the loved ones of drug addicts around the world. Stick to your guns and refuse to support their habit. You should also be encouraging and positive by letting the addict know that they could quit and that you would support them 100% in that decision.

For adults the main social criteria are your income, location of residence and your occupation. It is natural for parents, in wanting the best for their children, to encourage and support them into areas which society tends to value more highly. There is of course some reflected glory from a child who has done “well”. Some children seek refuge in addiction because they feel that in some way they have “failed”.

Integrity of the family unit and bonds of love and caring are not always there for some children. However, poverty and lack of family support is not a determinant of whether a child will be loved. Self respect and respect for the other is at the core of love.

When relationships are built upon mutual respect, different viewpoints can be taken and different choices made without people becoming distressed that the other is not “supporting” them, and giving them what they need. To give addicts help they have to know that you care, but that you won’t jump down their throat for expressing their own opinions.

For a loving relationship to be truly unconditional, needs both parties to be free and independent individuals. When one party is or has become overly dependent upon another to fill their needs, compliance can result in unhealthy “bondage”, and people can easily become bitter or resentful when another person does not do what is expected of them.

Unconditional love needs to be free of demand and command for the other to merely be your “puppet” – words of praise and love only uttered in return for strict compliance. Unconditional love also means that people are not used or rejected on the basis of whether or not they give you pleasure and satisfaction.

 Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.

Our Professional counselors have the expertise to help a loved one to start on his or her road of rehabilitation – It is a great idea to contact them for advices

Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or drug use. Don’t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.

There are no underlying causes. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others.  This “paralysis by analysis” is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.

Don’t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say.

Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict. Rather “actions speak louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.

Don’t extract promises
A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments.  Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.

Don’t preach or lecture
Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.  A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation.  If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more people would get sober.
Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger

These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.  For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides.  This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members—they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity. The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.

Don’t accommodate the disease
Addiction is a subtle foe.  It will infiltrate a family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family.  As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.

Do focus upon your life and responsibilities

Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict.  Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned.  Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals.  No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed.  I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information.  They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors.  The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon.  By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.
The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family’s effort to say “no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual.”  There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love.  This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome.  Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about.  Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict – rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery.

On my 1st year of Sobriety Anniversary

As an Alcoholic in recovery, I can speak for many people that sobriety anniversaries are extremely important. They are major accomplishments!
I cannot express the utter amazement, I supposed to pass years and years of continued sobriety, to experience every passing year of continued sobriety.
One of my friends described his sobriety as a wonder to him that through "one day at a time" he was able to put together over 21 years of clean, sober, happy living.

 

Outsiders may not understand
I recently overheard a comment from someone who said “Sobriety anniversary? Who would ever want to celebrate being sober?” And to that I replied, “Well, for someone who was destroying their lives with drugs or alcohol, being clean and sober every passing day just happens to be a big, freaking deal!” People outside AA, NA, CA, and other 12-step or recovery-related programs often do not understand the importance of the sobriety anniversary.

Sobriety birthdays are events that are nothing like regular birthdays: it's not something we dread as we get older, but rather it's another year of freedom from addiction. Another 365 days of rebuilding our lives and going from complete self-loathing to find meaning and purpose.
We must absolutely recognize sobriety birthdays both in and outside of fellowship. Sisters and brothers in fellowship, friends, and family should acknowledge the sobriety anniversary. Because it is an indescribably important day in the addict/alcoholic’s life, we can offer our presence at meetings where we accept chips marking another year of sobriety, or we can offer gifts commemorating that special day.

During my first year of in recovery, I remember watching people in the program celebrate their anniversaries and this actually made me envious. I often thought bitterly, "if that person can do it why can't I?" and this became a huge motivator for me. So as the months passed and I accepted more chips, the challenge became greater and I had finally reached my first year. This number “1” became a motivator in itself because I didn't want to break it and have to start over again.
After a few months of sobriety under my belt, sometimes the idea of remaining clean and sober became somewhat abstract; however, breaking the number was not. There were times when I thought, "I'll just have a little this one time, no one will ever know..." but then I couldn't stand the idea of starting over. What's more, I would feel hypocritical if I would have ignored that one occasion and pretended it never happen. The competitive part of me and I'm sure for many others in recovery believe it is healthy and an example of how the program is a system of interlocking motivators.

When I first entered recovery, I started making my own jewelry bearing the Serenity Prayer as a touchstone, something to re-direct my thoughts whenever I needed to, especially during those early days of sobriety.
On this day July 7, 2013 my 1^st sober birthday, I made myself a special reminder with a big one. It may became a constant reminder in future of mine to know how far I'd come. It could be something I could touch or look at in the mirror at any time; I’m a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Sober, by the Grace of God, since 5^th July, 2012.

Sometimes, I am boring myself with writing about how tired I am, how much rain we are getting, when I am running, and what I am doing for food & shelter.  I thought about writing about my experience of being a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous - by year. I don't know if this is interesting to anyone, but I think it will be good for me to go back and look at these last 367 days.
 

 

 

 

I hit the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous (CARE, “Chemical Addiction Rehabilitation Education”) on 5^th July 1012, at the age of 40. I was a machinist. I had a wife and two children at home. To say I was overwhelmed with all of this would be an understatement. And yet, I had no idea of what else I could do.
I found myself sober. I was delighted. Really. I wanted to be sober more than anything in the world, once I realized that God could make this possible. i.e., in my first 24 hours. I had been miserable for so long... never knowing if my problem was my marriage, or myriad unfortunate circumstances... or my suicidal depression, but definitely not wanting to think it was the booze. When I finally admitted it was the alcohol and asked for help, I felt such relief. It was as if the entire world was open to me.
 

 

They told me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and I went to 65, (but I attended to some online meetings) they told me to get a sponsor and I did it in another way as I decided to took my rehab director, (I think who has matured minded, well experienced, skilled in handling both alcoholics, addicts and narcotics, moreover his thoughts, & feelings are similar to me) as my sponsor myself without intimating him too.  They told me to read the big book and I did. The big book told me to get busy on the steps and I did. (To write this, I have been looking at my journal from the period of Feb 14, 2012, to till Nov.1^st, 2012. My last 5 months of drinking and my first 4 months of sobriety.)
 
The mood sure changes!
In a few short months of sobriety, I was no longer writing about how fate had dealt me a bum hand. I was living to the best of my ability and enjoying it! In this journal are my first gratitude lists, they are very sweet to look at now.
I have often in my sobriety thought that I was rash wile living with my wife, in past 7 years, within 3 months of getting sober. It is easier to believe that the less I have to do with her now. In the last year or so, I have had a lot more interactions with her.
I could actually make a living! I could actually buy myself clothes and shoes and things men need! I could provide for my children! And since I quit drinking mass quantities of whisky every day, weight filled 1/8 of me. I gain 13 kg’s, in my first 6 months of sobriety...
 
What I remember most about that first year was the feeling of being clean. I felt like I could hold my head up. Someone said that for those who celebrate a year of sobriety, there is an 80% chance that they will die sober. I don't know where someone would get a statistic like that, but apparently I remembered it.
My life felt clean and new. It was hard. But it was so so so so so so so so good.

I am so grateful for these wonderful memories. An old man in an AA meeting told me once "Some day all you will have is your memories - make them good ones.”

Step Ten

 

 

 

Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Ever noticed how many of the 12 Steps have two distinct, equally important parts to them? Step 1 sets the tone for these two part examinations. It took me awhile to grasp the concept of being “powerless” over alcohol.

 

It took more time and more work to process an equally huge concept of Step 1: the “unmanageability” of my life. And then to actually connect the two halves as unmistakably related.

Step 10 is, for me, a similar deal. It’s taken some time and reflection to see that the two parts of the sentence are not only connected, but causally related. You have to do the personal inventory to be able to see your part to be able to promptly admit you were wrong.

Of course! Now I get it!

 

For me, the second half of Step 10 came First The words"wrong" and “admitted” blared out like flashing neon signs, demanding attention.

 

Wrong? Me? I was never wrong! I might not always be right, but I was surely never wrong! I’d spent my entire life blaming others for my plight. I mean, of course there was something “wrong” with me, which I now recognize as the disease of alcoholism.

But I never identified my thoughts or actions as “wrong.” If I could just get everyone else to treat me the way they were supposed to (shades of Step 3 in there, I know), everything would be fine. If only people understood me better.

 

Not that that was my problem, of course. They were the ones at fault. Stupid other people; no wonder I drank!

Step 10’s suggestion of taking inventory helped me put some bad behavior into perspective. I realized that I was a champion inventory taker from way back.

My inventories were all external; rarely including any positives, because the word gratitude was not in my vocabulary.

Oh yes. There was plenty wrong with the world. And I was oh so good at pointing that out.

In order to feel superior (or even equal) to others, I had to cut them down to size. Some of my inventorying was, to my mind, well intentioned. I seemed to surround myself with people who were damaged and in need of fixing.

 

I had a knack for finding friends, mates, workplaces and social groups that were imperfect -just waiting for my personal touch to be transformed to full functionality.

 

I could look at any person or situation and fashion an idealized version with ease. From my bar stool perch, I made grandiose plans to make the world around me perfect. Being insightful, intuitive, and very determined, I repeated this ill conceived process over and over and over. (I think they call that insanity, and it’s addressed in Step 2.)In reality, I stepped on a lot of people’s toes. And, just like they say in the “Big Book,” they retaliated. Needless to say, the idea that I might somehow be at fault never crossed my mind. Yes, victimhood suited me well.

 

That is, until I came into AA.

Not surprisingly, it was a fearless and thorough moral inventory that changed my attitude. I suddenly saw that I was not being persecuted. I did have a part. Every single thing that bothered me out there had its genesis inside my head.

My own misperceptions were to blame. Dare I say it? I had actually had been WRONG, as well as wronged! Now that the light bulb has been turned on, I recognize my effect on others, not just their effect on me. I know when I am in the wrong. It doesn’t feel good. It feels icky.

Wrong is a new name for an old familiar feeling. It’s that state I used to cultivate like a toxic garden of weeds, liberally watered with wine, beer or whisky. Given just an inkling of justification, I could whip myself up into a right frenzy of indignation. And stay there for days.

The more wrong I could make others, the more right I became in my head.

Stupid me; no wonder I was lonely!

Now, I can short circuit that whole process. The big relief of Step 10 is the tool of making amends. Resentments no longer fester for weeks.

 My tolerance for “wrong headedness” is much lower. My awareness of my part in problems is much higher. It doesn’t feel good to wallow anymore.

AA has taught me to keep my own side of the street clean. Step 10 makes that a daily occurrence.

So today, if something is nagging at my conscience, I have a way to process it. Instead of jumping immediately into defensive mode, I look for my part and act quickly to clear it up.

Even if I didn’t start it, even if the other person’s behavior was worse than mine, that doesn’t matter. It’s my responsibility to make the amends.

And there’s a reward for doing so:

I get to stay sober! The world around me feels more hospitable, too.



 

Resentment

When we drill deep into the root of resentment and anger, the cause always revolves around our ego and the mind’s attempt to protect it from extinction. Here is a series of thoughts I observed myself experiencing while confronted with such a scenario:

1. Ego Shock – feelings of shock, followed by increased heart rate. I could sense that my ego was hurt.
2. Animal Instincts - when my ego is hurt, my inner caveman quickly jumps out in attack mode. Even if I logically know that it is unnecessary to be in attack mode, caveman will still be there and I will experience feelings of animal instinct. In caveman days, if we didn’t retaliate against others who hurt us, we would eventually be killed. So, this instinct serves as a survival mechanism and is a natural response to an attack. I believe that understanding this is vitally important to accepting our own reactive tendencies and to finally controlling these instincts.
3. Defense – In an attempt to defend my ego, for having been wrongfully accused, my inner caveman strategized a battle plan of defense and attack. This included a list of harmful things I could say to the attacker.
4. Infused Anger - The more I thought about how I’d been wronged, the deeper I fell into feelings of resentment, and even feelings of despair.
5. “Cave Man Survives in a Tribe” – As tribal animals, our inner caveman cares about what others think of us, since if others didn’t like us, we might be kicked out of the tribe. And for a caveman, life outside of a tribe means instant hardship and death. And so, when we learn that others think badly of us, we become unbalanced, unwell and very bothered.
6. Defending Our Ego is Like Fighting Other Cave Men – When a caveman fights with another caveman in our modern age (ie. Now), nobody wins. We fight out of an instinct to survive, and to protect our ego-driven pride. In the end, nobody wins, since we no longer live in the stone-age and killing each other is no longer necessary.

Technique for Overcoming Resentment

I am not suggesting that we suppress or deny these feelings. But rather, use responsible methods for dealing with these uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions so that we are no longer slaves to the emotional reflexes of our animalistic instincts.

As hard as it might seem while we are experiencing anger towards someone, the keys to overcoming the emotion lie first in understanding and finally in forgiving. This seems counter-intuitive, since our instincts tell us that we need to defend ourselves, and possibly come up with ways to hurt the other person.

Understanding gives us insight into what the other person is feeling. Even before we reach the stage of forgiveness, understanding will automatically ease some of the emotional burden we’ve been carrying.

Before seeking to understand, we need to find a place of clarity within ourselves. Clarity means that we are not acting out of our emotions or our caveman instincts. When we can step out of our inner caveman, we are able to see the situation for what it is. It will quickly become clear that the other person was acting out of the instincts of their inner caveman, and thus blinded by their own emotions.

Okay, let’s dive deeper into each major step in overcoming these bothersome feelings:

1. Clarity

In this step, the goal is to feel well again. When our minds are frazzled with random thoughts of pain and resentment, it is nearly impossible to overcome anything. Therefore, we need to first find peace within ourselves.

When we seek peace and clarity, we are ultimately creating the space within ourselves for alternative possibilities and healing. Without which, we will remain in a never-ending cycle of unnecessary pain and suffering.

• Exercise: Express Your Emotions -Fully express your emotions without physically harming anyone (including yourself). If you feel angry, express that anger verbally (while you are alone) with the intent of releasing it completely out of your system. You can jump up and down, cry out loud or exert unusual sounds. Listen to your body as to how it wants to release this negative energy. Give yourself a time limit of say 5 to 10 minutes in which you must express all your anger, either verbally or in writing. Additionally or alternatively, go for a run, a hike, a workout or a swim. Many people find exercise to be an effective way to release toxic energy.
• Exercise: Finding Peace via Focused Attention – This has been the most effective tool for me when clarity and inner peace is needed: First, find a comfortable seat and close your eyes. Bring your focus onto your breath. Focus all of your attention on your inhales and exhales. Do this for about five minutes. Next, bring your attention to your heart (the center of your chest). Focus on all the things you are grateful for in your life, right now. You can either visualize each person or thing, or you can hear the sound of these things spoken in your mind. As you see them, or hear them, experience the feelings of gratitude in your heart.
• “You are In Control” – Remind yourself that you are in control of your thoughts and actions. You are never as helpless or in as pitiful a state as your ego would have you believe. Remind yourself of the responsible person that you are – using the real definition of responsibility: the ability to respond, or the ability to control our responses. Map out the worst case scenario and accept it. You’ll often find that the worst case scenario isn’t as bad as the dreadful scenario that you have dreamt up in your mind.

2. Understanding

Now that we’ve put our inner caveman aside, we can objectively look at the situation for what it is. We can seek to understand what is causing the other person to act in this particular way.

In most cases, once we’ve figured out the cause for their behavior, we will find that it is often not an attack on us, but a reflection of their primal instinct to protect themselves.

What’s more, as we gain perspective into their position, we might find that we’ve learned something valuable that will contribute towards our wellbeing and happiness in the future.

• It’s Not Personal – When people are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but to spread that energy onto others. When people communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their internal state.
• The Painful “Enemy” – Seek out the scenarios and perspectives which may have triggered them to treat you in a manner that hurts you. They may be in such a deep seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings. Seek to understand that people, by nature, do not want to harm others, but circumstances that trigger their inner caveman cause them to act out in self-defense.
• Freedom of Expression. – Accept that it is okay for them to have negative thoughts or feelings towards you. They have the same freedom of thought and freedom of choice as do you. Choose understanding. Choose compassion. Choose doing the right thing by staying honest to yourself. Outside of that, don’t worry about it, let them go. We cannot control other people’s actions, so why should we exert energy trying? Let others be, and find peace with that.

3. Forgiveness

“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison
and expecting the other person to die.”

Forgiveness is a gradual process, and understanding will eventually take us there. However, if we do not attempt forgiveness, the only person we are harming is ourselves.

The goal here is to find peace with the situation and to move on with our lives. Life is too short to dwell on the past, or to dwell on other people’s opinions of us. Give yourself a gift of freedom: forgive them with grace, compassion and understanding.

• Forgive Yourself – Forgive yourself for having had thoughts of retaliation, resentment, regret or grievance. Forgive yourself for exposing your inner caveman.
• Forgive Others – After the exercise of breathing and gratitude (see Finding Peace via Focused Attention above), continue to keep your eyes closed. Now, let go of all resentment and regret. You can imagine each of these separately. Imagine all the people who you hold a grudge against. Optionally you may see their harmless face smiling at you. Recognize that we are all trying our hardest in our current state of consciousness. Tell them in your imagination that you forgive them. Have the intention of forgiving others and ourselves for any actions that may have resulted in pain. You can also repeat the mantra from A Course in Miracles:

“Every decision I make is a choice between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all resentments, grievances and regrets. I choose the miracle.“

Can you recall an incident triggered by another person that left you with resentment? If so, put yourself in their position and see if you can understand how their primal instincts may have triggered their initial attack. How can you forgive this person? Share your thoughts in the comment section. See you there