Recovery & Relapse

Recovery & Relapse

Recovery is a process for those who have lived an Addictive lifestyle. There are behavioral changes that will not happen for long periods of time, if ever for many.

Relapse is a common occurrence and honesty does not occur all at once, just because the substance is removed from the Addict.

Since the onset of the 12-step recovery programs, there has been a problem for those new to the groups with those who have less than perfect behaviors (which is everyone!). Because they have learned strongly the ways to manipulate and coerce others, this behavior may continue to develop in their recovery. New members may encounter those whose motives are less than sterling.

How to arm newly recovering clients against the possibility of encountering predators (or being one!) in 12-step groups is a challenge for many who work with treatment. There are numerous things that should be taught to clients. The first thing that they need to know is that 12-step groups can, and many do, include members who have done things that are criminal to others. Sometimes there are people who have committed assault on women (or men), convicted rapists, suspected rapists, child molesters, and burglars; perhaps others who have killed someone and served time, and certainly quite a few guilty of dishonesty and stealing, whether caught and convicted or not. These persons are welcomed to 12-step recovery groups, because the nature of the group is one of recovery. It is truly believed, and the idea embraced, in these groups that everyone who wishes to recover and considers themselves a member of the group can be and is.

Being a member of a recovery group does not guarantee that they have changed all of the behaviors that were problematic socially. Many talk a great game in the meetings, seeming quite charming and spiritually centered, but are still perpetrating great dishonesty outside the group, and sometimes with other members. There are stories in abundance about this type of situation. It must be stressed that everyone should be somewhat careful when becoming involved with persons that they do not know. Just because they belong to a group that no longer participates in addictive behavior, or that they say they do, does not mean that they do or that they have ceased all other unacceptable activity.

Forgiving others is tough for recovering addicts. In fact, 12-step programs have steps designed to show them how to get past resentment and anger with others. This is relatively early in the recovery process, right around steps 4 and 5. Part of the reason this is so tough is due to their own sense of guilt and shame for things they have done to remain active in their addiction.

If there is a way to transfer that guilt and shame onto others, it is the addict who has mastered this skill. They are quite capable of doing something wrong to another person and then helping that person find the culprit. In 12-step meetings, it is often heard by recovering addicts that they would “Steal your money and help you look for it.”  This is not uncommon practice for those who are behaving as those who are actively practicing an addiction behave.

Forgiving others is the first part of the process of recovery. Learning about their own part of the problems that have occurred in their lives is the purpose of Steps 4 and 5. It really isn’t about learning to forgive others so much as it is about learning who is really at fault in most of the cases that are cited. This is going to continue to be true for them, as they project their own behaviors onto everyone around them. This is an important concept to master for ongoing recovery. Learning to forgive them selves, therefore, is the lesson to be learned in this case.

Forgiving themselves for the horrors that they have inflicted on their own lives, the lives of those who care about them, and on everything that has been tainted by their addiction is a tall order. It is difficult to imagine that the simple act of forgiving of self is so deeply rejected by addicts that it takes all 12 of those steps to achieve just that, self-forgiveness.

The entire process of 12-step recovery is to produce the necessary Spiritual conversion that will allow an addict to stop the cycle of repeated relapse and addiction. In order to allow the Spiritual component to become an active part of their lives, addicts need to see that they are fit for a Spiritual relationship with a Higher Power. Most addicts are seen as lacking in self-acceptance, self-worth, and self-esteem. Therefore, they do not see themselves as worthy of a Spiritual relationship. Changing this view to one of allowing them to be worthy of such a relationship takes all of the work that is done in all 12 of those steps. This process is all about forgiveness of self and acceptance of self; a very tall order for anyone who has spent the entirety of their time actively destroying themselves and everything good and fine about their lives.

Those who work with addicts in recovery are often astonished to see the levels of self-destruction and self-loathing that exist in the addict’s frame of reference. This is another symptom of addiction, self-hatred. In order to fully embrace their own recovery, it is imperative that they begin to understand this concept and to learn to love and honor themselves, but mostly to learn to forgive themselves.