From an outsiders perspective, quitting drinking seems
like a process of elimination. It’s not.
The struggling alcoholic is trying to attain a meaningful life in recovery. Successfully attaining that goal has very little to do with the idea of not drinking. Instead, it is a creative process.
Intuitively, the struggling alcoholic knows that this must be the case–because they have tried and failed over and over again to quit drinking. Simply not drinking has never been enough.
The need for a replacement
What do I mean by “creative process?” This is the whole secret to a life in recovery: the addict finds new meaning in their life through the cultivation of positive action. It’s not about simply abstaining from chemicals, as that will create a miserable and resentful addict who secretly wishes to get high. It’s only a matter of time before someone who is simply abstaining returns to their drug of choice in an effort to self-medicate.
I had to create an entirely new situation in my life in order to overcome addiction. Think about it: my entire life revolved around alcohol. Either I was getting high on drinking, or I was working so that I could get the money to do so. This became my routine; my whole meaning for existence. My only thoughts were to use alcohol and find the ways and means to get more. My ultimate fantasy was to have an unlimited supply of the stuff.
So think about it: take an addict who is deeply obsessed with getting and using drugs and alcohol, and simply remove those chemicals one day. What are you going to be left with? A shell of a person is one way to say it. I didn’t just make a habit of using drugs and alcohol; I made a lifestyle out of it. And furthermore, I glamorized the thought of being stoned out of my mind–it became a religion of sorts, a (false) spiritual state of being that I was trying to attain. Getting high was my religion, and I worshiped the drugs and the booze. I idolized them. I glamorized them. I lived for them.
For me, the lifestyle that went along with getting drunk and high every day involved 3 major components:
1) The job I worked at that could tolerate me in that state of mind
2) The group of friends and/or girlfriend that I drank with
3) My living situation – the industrial complex with roommates and/or neighbors that I also drank with
So when I stopped boozing alcohol, 3 things happened:
1) I stopped worshiping Alcohol.
2) I stopped associating with all of my old drinking buddies.
3) I got out of an unhealthy living situation.
Those are all elimination steps. I got rid of stuff. Note the following 2 things: First of all, this stuff was necessary for me, but addiction is complicated, so other people’s solution might be different.
For example, there are a number of recovering addicts and alcoholics who did not have to change their living situation at all when they got clean and sober. For them, it wasn’t necessary. In my situation, it happened to be an important step.
Second, note that doing the 3 things above did not insure my success in recovery. There are plenty of people who go to extreme measures and enter long term treatment centers and unfortunately still relapse. Also, I still stand by my opinion that long term treatment still affords the best chances for achieving long term sobriety (but it is by no means a magic bullet).
I had to get rid of a lot of stuff when I quit drinking. I quit using booze, moved out of home, left a large circle of unhealthy friends, and left a job that accommodated my drinking. That’s a lot of stuff to let go of all at once.
Simple elimination is not enough. There’s nothing to fill the void, nothing left to engage a person in their daily life. Think about all the hours each day spent obsessing over Alcohol. Consider the hours spent drinking with friends and drinking buddies. Think of the time spent actually getting drunk and high.
When you free up all of that time, what are you left with? What are you going to do?
When you stop worshiping alcohol, what are you going to focus on in the future?
When you walk away from your drinking buddies, who are you going to associate with?
You need a replacement strategy
Most people who first try to quit drinking or using drugs are essentially using behavior modification.
Behavior modification is not effective as a means to recovery. Why not? Because it’s not a replacement (creation) strategy. I believe it can only lead to short term sobriety. In the long run, behavior modification falls short because it generally only seeks to eliminate negative behaviors:
-Not going to the bar
-Not going to your old drug dealer
-Avoiding negative influences
and so on.
This is not reinventing yourself. It is not creation. You’re just tearing down your old habits. What are you putting up in their place? What are you building for your new life? If you simply eliminate the old stuff, relapse is inevitable. It’s just a matter of time. You need a creation strategy.
12 step meetings, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, are one example of a creation strategy: you stop drinking and go to an AA meeting. Then you continue attending meetings, and the fellowship that helped you get sober starts to depend on you to help and guide the newcomers. This is creation, in your own life. It can fill you up, if you allow it to. Reaching out to the newcomer, working with others, showing up and sharing honestly in daily meetings–these are creative actions. They require initiative and positive action on the part of the recovering addict. They are not acts of elimination. This is recovery in action.
Take an Inventory of Self
It is critical in the healing process that you define your own losses to yourself; know what it is about ‘the experience’ that you are grieving. This new found awareness is private, and does not need to be shared with anyone, unless you want to share – be fearless!
It is advisable to seek professional help if you are having trouble grieving your loss, moving through the different stages of grief, or if you or your loved ones have concerns about the intensity of your feelings of loss or how long you have been grieving.
An important process in grieving and preparing to rebuild your life is working through guilt and regret. Quite often it is not actually grief that prevents you from undertaking the task of rebuilding your life, but unresolved feelings of guilt and regret. It is very important to seek professional help if you are unable to work through these feelings on your own.
In summary, successful rebuilding is directly tied to the grieving process. Grieving is a healthy first step, it has a cleansing effect, and it indicates your emotional preparedness to begin the task of rebuilding. A very important piece to attaining harmony after a loss is re-integrating and including your loss in your self identity.
At anytime–either during the grieving process or when rebuilding–you may need to seek professional help in order to explore the importance of your stage of life, work through guilt and regret, or as a source of support.
Group therapy is often useful in overcoming the emotional pain of any kind of loss. For many, however, individual therapy is the best means of receiving optimal help.
The struggling alcoholic is trying to attain a meaningful life in recovery. Successfully attaining that goal has very little to do with the idea of not drinking. Instead, it is a creative process.
Intuitively, the struggling alcoholic knows that this must be the case–because they have tried and failed over and over again to quit drinking. Simply not drinking has never been enough.
The need for a replacement
What do I mean by “creative process?” This is the whole secret to a life in recovery: the addict finds new meaning in their life through the cultivation of positive action. It’s not about simply abstaining from chemicals, as that will create a miserable and resentful addict who secretly wishes to get high. It’s only a matter of time before someone who is simply abstaining returns to their drug of choice in an effort to self-medicate.
I had to create an entirely new situation in my life in order to overcome addiction. Think about it: my entire life revolved around alcohol. Either I was getting high on drinking, or I was working so that I could get the money to do so. This became my routine; my whole meaning for existence. My only thoughts were to use alcohol and find the ways and means to get more. My ultimate fantasy was to have an unlimited supply of the stuff.
So think about it: take an addict who is deeply obsessed with getting and using drugs and alcohol, and simply remove those chemicals one day. What are you going to be left with? A shell of a person is one way to say it. I didn’t just make a habit of using drugs and alcohol; I made a lifestyle out of it. And furthermore, I glamorized the thought of being stoned out of my mind–it became a religion of sorts, a (false) spiritual state of being that I was trying to attain. Getting high was my religion, and I worshiped the drugs and the booze. I idolized them. I glamorized them. I lived for them.
For me, the lifestyle that went along with getting drunk and high every day involved 3 major components:
1) The job I worked at that could tolerate me in that state of mind
2) The group of friends and/or girlfriend that I drank with
3) My living situation – the industrial complex with roommates and/or neighbors that I also drank with
So when I stopped boozing alcohol, 3 things happened:
1) I stopped worshiping Alcohol.
2) I stopped associating with all of my old drinking buddies.
3) I got out of an unhealthy living situation.
Those are all elimination steps. I got rid of stuff. Note the following 2 things: First of all, this stuff was necessary for me, but addiction is complicated, so other people’s solution might be different.
For example, there are a number of recovering addicts and alcoholics who did not have to change their living situation at all when they got clean and sober. For them, it wasn’t necessary. In my situation, it happened to be an important step.
Second, note that doing the 3 things above did not insure my success in recovery. There are plenty of people who go to extreme measures and enter long term treatment centers and unfortunately still relapse. Also, I still stand by my opinion that long term treatment still affords the best chances for achieving long term sobriety (but it is by no means a magic bullet).
I had to get rid of a lot of stuff when I quit drinking. I quit using booze, moved out of home, left a large circle of unhealthy friends, and left a job that accommodated my drinking. That’s a lot of stuff to let go of all at once.
Simple elimination is not enough. There’s nothing to fill the void, nothing left to engage a person in their daily life. Think about all the hours each day spent obsessing over Alcohol. Consider the hours spent drinking with friends and drinking buddies. Think of the time spent actually getting drunk and high.
When you free up all of that time, what are you left with? What are you going to do?
When you stop worshiping alcohol, what are you going to focus on in the future?
When you walk away from your drinking buddies, who are you going to associate with?
You need a replacement strategy
Most people who first try to quit drinking or using drugs are essentially using behavior modification.
Behavior modification is not effective as a means to recovery. Why not? Because it’s not a replacement (creation) strategy. I believe it can only lead to short term sobriety. In the long run, behavior modification falls short because it generally only seeks to eliminate negative behaviors:
-Not going to the bar
-Not going to your old drug dealer
-Avoiding negative influences
and so on.
This is not reinventing yourself. It is not creation. You’re just tearing down your old habits. What are you putting up in their place? What are you building for your new life? If you simply eliminate the old stuff, relapse is inevitable. It’s just a matter of time. You need a creation strategy.
12 step meetings, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, are one example of a creation strategy: you stop drinking and go to an AA meeting. Then you continue attending meetings, and the fellowship that helped you get sober starts to depend on you to help and guide the newcomers. This is creation, in your own life. It can fill you up, if you allow it to. Reaching out to the newcomer, working with others, showing up and sharing honestly in daily meetings–these are creative actions. They require initiative and positive action on the part of the recovering addict. They are not acts of elimination. This is recovery in action.
Take an Inventory of Self
It is critical in the healing process that you define your own losses to yourself; know what it is about ‘the experience’ that you are grieving. This new found awareness is private, and does not need to be shared with anyone, unless you want to share – be fearless!
It is advisable to seek professional help if you are having trouble grieving your loss, moving through the different stages of grief, or if you or your loved ones have concerns about the intensity of your feelings of loss or how long you have been grieving.
An important process in grieving and preparing to rebuild your life is working through guilt and regret. Quite often it is not actually grief that prevents you from undertaking the task of rebuilding your life, but unresolved feelings of guilt and regret. It is very important to seek professional help if you are unable to work through these feelings on your own.
In summary, successful rebuilding is directly tied to the grieving process. Grieving is a healthy first step, it has a cleansing effect, and it indicates your emotional preparedness to begin the task of rebuilding. A very important piece to attaining harmony after a loss is re-integrating and including your loss in your self identity.
At anytime–either during the grieving process or when rebuilding–you may need to seek professional help in order to explore the importance of your stage of life, work through guilt and regret, or as a source of support.
Group therapy is often useful in overcoming the emotional pain of any kind of loss. For many, however, individual therapy is the best means of receiving optimal help.
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