Recovery
& Relapse
Recovery is a process for
those who have lived an Addictive lifestyle. There are behavioral changes that
will not happen for long periods of time, if ever for many.
Relapse is a common
occurrence and honesty does not occur all at once, just because the substance
is removed from the Addict.
Since the onset of the 12-step recovery programs, there has been
a problem for those new to the groups with those who have less than perfect
behaviors (which is everyone!). Because they have learned strongly the ways to
manipulate and coerce others, this behavior may continue to develop in their
recovery. New members may encounter those whose motives are less than sterling.
How to arm newly recovering clients against the possibility of
encountering predators (or being one!) in 12-step groups is a challenge for
many who work with treatment. There are numerous things that should be taught
to clients. The first thing that they need to know is that 12-step groups can,
and many do, include members who have done things that are criminal to others.
Sometimes there are people who have committed assault on women (or men),
convicted rapists, suspected rapists, child molesters, and burglars; perhaps
others who have killed someone and served time, and certainly quite a few
guilty of dishonesty and stealing, whether caught and convicted or not. These
persons are welcomed to 12-step recovery groups, because the nature of the
group is one of recovery. It is truly believed, and the idea embraced, in these
groups that everyone who wishes to recover and considers themselves a member of
the group can be and is.
Being a member of a recovery group does not guarantee that they
have changed all of the behaviors that were problematic socially. Many talk a
great game in the meetings, seeming quite charming and spiritually centered,
but are still perpetrating great dishonesty outside the group, and sometimes
with other members. There are stories in abundance about this type of
situation. It must be stressed that everyone should be somewhat careful when
becoming involved with persons that they do not know. Just because they belong
to a group that no longer participates in addictive behavior, or that they say
they do, does not mean that they do or that they have ceased all other unacceptable
activity.
Forgiving others is tough for recovering addicts. In fact,
12-step programs have steps designed to show them how to get past resentment
and anger with others. This is relatively early in the recovery process, right
around steps 4 and 5. Part of the reason this is so tough is due to their own
sense of guilt and shame for things they have done to remain active in their
addiction.
If there is a way to transfer that guilt and shame onto others,
it is the addict who has mastered this skill. They are quite capable of doing
something wrong to another person and then helping that person find the
culprit. In 12-step meetings, it is often heard by recovering addicts that they
would “Steal your money and help you look for it.” This is not uncommon practice for those who
are behaving as those who are actively practicing an addiction behave.
Forgiving others is the first part of the process of recovery.
Learning about their own part of the problems that have occurred in their lives
is the purpose of Steps 4 and 5. It really isn’t about learning to forgive
others so much as it is about learning who is really at fault in most of the
cases that are cited. This is going to continue to be true for them, as they
project their own behaviors onto everyone around them. This is an important
concept to master for ongoing recovery. Learning to forgive them selves,
therefore, is the lesson to be learned in this case.
Forgiving themselves for the horrors that they have inflicted on
their own lives, the lives of those who care about them, and on everything that
has been tainted by their addiction is a tall order. It is difficult to imagine
that the simple act of forgiving of self is so deeply rejected by addicts that
it takes all 12 of those steps to achieve just that, self-forgiveness.
The entire process of 12-step recovery is to produce the
necessary Spiritual conversion that will allow an addict to stop the cycle of
repeated relapse and addiction. In order to allow the Spiritual component to
become an active part of their lives, addicts need to see that they are fit for
a Spiritual relationship with a Higher Power. Most addicts are seen as lacking
in self-acceptance, self-worth, and self-esteem. Therefore, they do not see
themselves as worthy of a Spiritual relationship. Changing this view to one of
allowing them to be worthy of such a relationship takes all of the work that is
done in all 12 of those steps. This process is all about forgiveness of self
and acceptance of self; a very tall order for anyone who has spent the entirety
of their time actively destroying themselves and everything good and fine about
their lives.
Those who work with addicts in recovery are often astonished to
see the levels of self-destruction and self-loathing that exist in the addict’s
frame of reference. This is another symptom of addiction, self-hatred. In order
to fully embrace their own recovery, it is imperative that they begin to
understand this concept and to learn to love and honor themselves, but mostly
to learn to forgive themselves.
